adema_solo's Xanga

So...sweet.

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:23:40 GMT

Robocop Fried Chicken - watch more funny videos

A bit much?

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:28:43 GMT

Really...isn't this a little over the top. When will we draw the line on racism?
Click here.

Also, in case anyone was wondering, I am playing Left 4 Dead for PC. Great game. I highly recommend it mostly for it's multiplayer goodness. If you decide to get it, let me know so I can hook up with you in game. It's a great time with friends.

Whoa...Chuck Norris the Orator?

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:48:56 GMT

I stole this directly from my good friend's website. I couldn't help but drop it over here, though. Chuck Norris lays out an extremely cogent argument here. Read away.

Finally, and most convincingly, Chuck Norris himself has arrived to deliver a swift roundhouse kick into the face of hypocrisy: http://townhall.com/columnists/ChuckNorris/2008/11/18/if_democracy_doesnt_work,_try_anarchy

If Democracy Doesn't Work, Try Anarchy
by Chuck Norris
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Protestors of Proposition 8 in California (the marriage amendment) shoved aside a 69-year-old woman who was bearing a cross. They reportedly spit on her and stomped on her cross. They then aligned themselves in a human barricade, blocking the media from getting to or interviewing the woman.

Prop. 8 supporter Jose Nunez, 37, was assaulted brutally while distributing yard signs to other supporters after church services at the St. Stanislaus Parish in Modesto.

Calvary Chapel Chino Hills was spray painted by vandals after they learned that the church served as an official collection point for Prop. 8 petitions.

Letters containing white powder (obviously mimicking anthrax) were sent to the Salt Lake City headquarters of the Mormon church and to a temple in Los Angeles. (Thankfully, the FBI said the substance was nontoxic.)

The 25-year artistic director of the California Musical Theatre, who also happens to be a Mormon, was muscled to resign because of his $1,000 donation to the campaign to ban gay marriage in California.

A pro-homosexual, pro-anarchy organization named Bash Back marched into the middle of a church service and flung fliers and condoms to the congregants. They also hung a banner from the balcony that featured two lesbians in provocative positions at the pulpit.

And lastly, the tolerance-preaching activists also have taken their anger to the blogosphere, where posts have planted ideas ranging from burning churches to storming the citadels of government until our society is forced to overturn Prop. 8. You even can find donor blacklists online. The lists include everyone who financially backed Prop. 8 -- even those who gave as little as $46 -- with the obvious objective that these individuals will be bantered and boycotted for doing so.

What's wrong with this picture? Lots.

First, there's the obvious inability of the minority to accept the will of the majority. Californians have spoken twice, through the elections in 2000 and 2008. Nearly every county across the state (including Los Angeles County) voted to amend the state constitution in favor of traditional marriage.

Nevertheless, bitter activists simply cannot accept the outcome as being truly reflective of the general public. So they have placed the brainwashing blame upon the crusading and misleading zealotry of those religious villains: the Catholics, evangelical Protestants, and especially Mormons, who allegedly are robbing the rights of American citizens by merely executing their right to vote and standing upon their moral convictions and traditional views.

What's surprising (or maybe not so) is that even though 70 percent of African-Americans voted in favor of Proposition 8, protests against black churches are virtually nonexistent. And everyone knows exactly why: Such actions would be viewed as racist. Yet these opponents of Prop. 8 can protest vehemently and shout obscenities in front of Mormon temples without ever being accused of religious bigotry. There's a clear double standard in our society. Where are the hate-crime cops when religious conservatives need them?

There were many of us who passionately opposed Obama, but you don't see us protesting in the streets or crying "unfair." Rather, we are submitting to a democratic process and now asking how we can support "our" president. Just because we don't like the election outcome doesn't give us the right to bully those who oppose us. In other words, if democracy doesn't tip our direction, we don't swing to anarchy. That would be like the Wild West, the resurrection of which seems to be happening in these postelection protests.

I agree with Prison Fellowship's founder, Chuck Colson, who wrote: "This is an outrage. What hypocrisy from those who spend all of their time preaching tolerance to the rest of us! How dare they threaten and attack political opponents? We live in a democratic country, not a banana republic ruled by thugs."

Regardless of one's opinion of Proposition 8, it is flat-out wrong and un-American to intimidate and harass individuals, churches and businesses that are guilty of nothing more than participating in the democratic process. Political protests are one thing, but when old-fashioned bullying techniques are used that restrict voting liberties and even prompt fear of safety, activists have crossed a line. There is a difference between respectfully advocating one's civil rights and demanding public endorsement of what many still consider to be unnatural sexual behavior through cruel coercion and repression tactics. One thing is for sure: The days of peaceful marches, such as those headed up by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., seem to be long gone.

The truth is that the great majority of Prop. 8 advocates are not bigots or hatemongers. They are American citizens who are following 5,000 years of human history and the belief of every major people and religion: Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren't intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

On Nov. 4, the pro-gay community obviously was flabbergasted that a state that generally leans left actually voted right when it came to holy matrimony. But that's exactly what happened; the majority of Californians -- red, yellow, black and white -- voted to define the margins of marriage as being between one man and one woman. California is the 30th state in our union to amend its constitution in doing so, joining Florida and Arizona in this election. Like it or not, it's the law now. The people have spoken.

Random Links that I'm into right now:
    Real Mutants!
    Videos of My Little Man!
    Really...Funny...T-shirts

Mighty Snake Slayer!

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 01:21:42 GMT

Ph34r m3!!1! I r teh graetest fightar n teh omg world!

No, I did kill a snake, though, WITH MY BARE HANDS!! (and a rock) This snake decides it's a good time to die, I guess b/c it bites at my heel when I walked by in my sandals...wrong answer, snake...wrong answer. It almost got me, dangit. It was a young poisonous snake about 1.5 or 2 feet long. I'm trying to find a picture of it while I'm writing this so you can see my latest body in my killing streak. Yes, I know it would've killed me if it would've actually bit me. About 1,000 guys have already told me that. I hit it over the head with a rock, though, about 4 times. Poor sap was snapping at the rock, which, obviously didn't turn out well. So I ended it with a classic Bruce Lee flying heel grind. Moral of the story...I'm the manliest man on this side of the world.

So, here's what's going on. It rained here. It rained here, and I realized I hate this place. I used to hate Iraq because it was so dry. Now I hate Iraq because it's so wet. There is no place in this entire disgusting country that is not 3 inches or more of mud right now. Every few steps you look over and say to yourself, "Why that patch there looks like sure footing, I'll go that route!" Turns out, that route just hasn't been stepped in yet, so there aren't any footprints. Yeah, those are the ones you sink in ankle deep. Oh, and imagine fine wet silt mixed with oil. Yeah, that crap's not coming off...ever.

Anyway, on to the good news. I packed up all my things yesterday except the stuff that fits in my duffel bag and my carry on bag. I'm getting pumped about it getting closer and closer to coming home. Dangit...I just ran out of time! I guess the good stuff will have to wait. :P

I'll update more later!

Free Form Update

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:58:39 GMT

So, I'm sitting in the MWR staring at the screen. I really would like to write something, but I want to be clever about it. I've been gazing at this blank text box for nearly 10 minutes, and nothing came up. I can't tell you how many times that's happened before, and I've just closed the browser and added it to my "To Do" list for another day. Obviously that strategy is not working. I never update this puppy. So here you are. I'm going to put out a dull version of an update. Basically, I'm just going to fire off what's been going on and what I'm wasting away my free time with. [ edit: I thought of something fun I could do so just go ahead and disregard the above paragraph ]

Interview with SPC Jeremiah Beene

So, Jeremiah...What's up, man?
What's up with me? Well, I'm just chilling in Iraq. It's still warm up here, but almost pleasantly so. The dust storms are starting to get ridiculous, so that's always fun. Other than that, it's the same old same old.

ZOMG, I heard you received a bronze star! Is that true?
Why yes...yes it is true. I'll have to fill you in on that crap when I get back to the States. No worries...there'll be no shortage of stories to keep you entertained when I get back.

Do you have friends and stuff over there or are you basically a friendless loser like back at home?
Oh yeah....I mean yeah! Dude, I've got so many friends I don't even have time to sleep because I'm busy partying all day and night, baby! Woohoo! ...well, crap that's not true. But I do have a handful of really cool guys out here that I hang out with, just like back at home. My goal is to upload some pictures of these guys soon.

What do you do in your spare time over there?
Man, you wouldn't believe the stuff I end up doing over here to kill time. Seriously. You know I'm pretty much out of my mind as it is. Imagine placing me in a scenario with way too much spare time and a captive audience. Yeah, I get ridiculous. Besides most of the stories I'll be telling you when I get home, I spend a lot of time playing video games. The hottest two I've been playing recently are Call of Duty 4 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance. I also kill time reading or playing silly things on the internet. I read Cracked.com articles and play flash games. The hottest flash game I'm playing right now is called Fantastic Contraption (www.fantasticcontraption.com). Awesome...game. Also, check out this guy on youtube called Sexy Phil. He's hilarious (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi5MUo2CIZc).

I miss you so much, Jeremiah. You're the greatest thing to ever happen to me! I can't live without you! Do you know when you'll be back in the States?
Wow...ummm...I'm speechless. I'd love to tell you this is the first time I've heard this, but we all know it's not. We don't actually know for sure, and even if I did, I couldn't put it on here, but suffice to say that we should be leaving Iraq in early to mid December. I should be off of orders and back home just in time for Christmas if all goes well.

Can I send you wonderful goodies to make your last couple months awesome?
Unfortunately, that's a no-go. Because of the fact that we move around SO much in the last month or two, we won't be able to get mail with any kind of reliability. It's best just to save all your generosity up until I get home. ;)

Did you say you were typing from an MWR computer? What happened to yours?
Ha...umm...that's sort of a story. There's some technical terms coming, so I'll use quotation marks when explaining it. Imagine me making the little quoties with my fingers as you read this. So, basically I "spilled" some Hajji Coke on the "keyboard" and it kind of "caused it to short out" because I'm what the professionals call "an idiot." Well, if you can understand all that, they you get the gist of it...I'm sending the puppy back to Alienware where they will clean up my "spilled" "Coke." Really, cramped living conditions combined with no furniture combined with a laptop and thirst = inevitable spillage. I'm just a victim of poor circumstances! So give me money and a place to live! *checks skin* Phew! Just kidding, I still take responsibility for my actions.

Anything else worth mentioning?
Not really except that my wife is awesome. She always has the most wonderful things to say. She keeps me posted on even the littlest things that Elijah does which I absolutely love. She also sends me care packages with pictures, movies, snacks, and even some art from my little man! I love you babe!

Also my sister Michele and Super B are the crap. They're always encouraging to talk to, and they've helped me through this deployment more times than I can remember. Love you guys! I'll do something nice for you when I get back. I'd say I'd cook for you, but we all know how that would turn out. Alright, peace out, guys!

Genius.

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:34:36 GMT

It's been a while since I've posted on xanga, but I've been trying and trying and trying to upload photos so I could make a proper update, but I keep getting stuck on the last few. It's driving me insane. Well, I thought I'd just post a more irrelevant entry. It's been at the foremost of my thoughts for a few days now, though. So, let me just throw a few videos at you.

Christopher Langan is the world's smartest man. The fascinating thing about the statement I just made is that it is a factual statement, not an opinion. He has a verified 190 - 210 IQ after taking multiple legitimate, supervised IQ tests. He's a certified genius. He is also a bouncer. I won't say much more, but just watch.

Update of Random Thoughts

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 06:34:08 GMT

Realization: I am a procrastinator. There's no sense in denying it, it's the truth. I believe, in my case at least, it's a form of misguided wisdom if not an inherent drive for efficiency. Do you ever get those days you wake up, swing your feet out of bed onto the floor, and suddenly realize you have the motivation to knock everything off of your To-Do List? Well, my argument rests solely on this phenomenon. Those days are entirely satisfying, and there's no feeling like ending a day with not a single thing on your list. My reasoning behind putting off certain tasks is that I'm betting on encountering a productive day before the respective deadline. This is an optimization of efficiency, whether intentional or unintentional. Does it happen? Yes. Does it happen often? Regrettably not. Ergo, given the frequency of these aforementioned phenomenal days, procrastination is not a reasonably efficient practice. After this exhaustive analysis, I am left where I began. Procrastination is still a problem I need to overcome, albeit a more well understood one. And yet, I merit myself for the mental journey.

You may be thinking, "What an odd sort of thing to think about, Jeremiah," and you're entirely within reason if that is the case. Allow me to explain myself. I've been doing an inordinate amount of self-analysis for the past month or so due nearly entirely to a sort of hardship I’ve run into. I’ve been having what I first believed to be mild heart attacks within the last month. Seemingly unprovoked, my heart would palpitate in random sequence, then my heart would race. I couldn’t catch my breath for the life of me, causing me to want to gasp for air. I did my best to fight the urge, but I was breathing much heavier than normal. There would be significant pressure in my chest, then I would nearly lose consciousness, and I felt like I was losing my sanity. After so many minutes, I would slowly come down from the episode, spooked but otherwise unhurt. Eventually, the chest tightness would stay with me all day every day. Along with this symptom came a constant tremble, weakness, and light-headedness. I was seeing the doctor regularly, and eventually he sent me to a psychiatrist who, in turn, diagnosed me with panic disorder.

I resisted this diagnosis for a long time since I’m the most laid back guy around with a personal philosophy of “worrying only makes things worse.” How the heck did I start getting panic attacks? The worst one happened a few days ago when I was woken from sleep to find my heart rate at over 220 beats per minute. Just try to count that fast, much less have your heart beat that fast and you’ll relate to my sense of urgency to get to the hospital. They sent me to the trauma room immediately and threw me on oxygen. My heart rate came down to normal again within 20 minutes, though, so they sent me home to see the psychiatrist the next day. The psychiatrist put me on some anti-anxiety medicine and some zombie drugs to break what he theorizes is a “panic cycle.” We’ll see. I come off of the zombie meds tomorrow.

I digress. Deep analysis of any sort has always been one of my favorite hobbies; chief among the topics of interest is, in particular, deep self-analysis. Tracing your superficial thoughts to their sources and beyond is analogous to tracing the trunk of a tree to its source. You find a farrago of related thoughts running tangent to the original. Some are discouraged by this, but I belong to the group who finds this predicament an opportunity for an agreeable pastime. A practical example of a superficial thought is the sort of question like, “Who is your favorite character on [insert show here]?” What qualities do I value in this character? In particular, what do I merit within his personality with more gravity than the characters around him? Does this not show some significant personal values? What sort of fictional iconic figures do you find yourself favoring? Just a chance at self reflection that we rarely get to slow down and partake in.

Sadly, it seems that, at the pace we live our lives, we learn more about other people than we know about ourselves. Well, I’ve written enough. I suppose I had quite a bit more than I thought I would to say. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and my love goes out to the people back in the States that have been so supportive. Love you.

Bachelor Life - Round 2

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:09:52 GMT

When not on shift, living in Iraq is a lot like being a bachelor again. Toss in a few mortars, some rockets, stupid superiors, and the fact that everyone wears the same thing and you've got it. Everyone around here has dirty rooms, gaming centers (whether consoles or computers), loud music, and junk food. It seriously feels like some degenerate form of dorm life. Like, a university dorm that got tossed into that sand trap from Star Wars and got crapped out the other side which just so happens to be filled with a bunch of small brown people with horrible hygiene.

(Pictured here: The portal to the prestigious Camp Taji University, lovingly nicknamed Sh*tStain U. -- Note the excited freshmen aboard the craft USS ArmyHatesYouAndYourFamily)

The bad thing about going back to a state of bachelorhood, though, is that it lets you realize how much it sucked and you didn't even know. Don't get me wrong, I look back on my days as a bachelor fondly, but once you've been well-fed, in a clean house with a nice bed and someone you love to interact with every day, going back to the slobbish, lonely life of a bachelor is kind of gay.

I'm starting to slowly adjust to life here, though. I've set up my room a little bit, but we still don't have the furniture we're supposed to get. A couch and some living space, you ask? Why no, silly, I'm talking about a wall locker and a "night stand." When I say night stand, mind you, be sure you picture a step stool with a slide out drawer. I'm not exaggerating when I say it doesn't even reach halfway up my shin. Thanks Army! Now I've got something to step on so that you've got a better angle to screw me! Yesssssssss.

Bah, people here make the best of it which brings me to my next point. I don't know if I'm encouraged by the extreme resilience of the human spirit or depressed by the depths of human stupidity. People will try to convince me to stay in the Army about every other day. I just look around us and say, "Are you retarded?!" This place sucks! The Army has showed time and time again they don't give a crap about us. They TRY to screw you out of health benefits. In theater, they spend millions on the dining facility and about a buck-fifty on anything the soldiers will be living in. In the States, every day is a 12+ hour day except for the weekends, but even then, they can call you at any time to come in and do whatever it is they want. Don't even get me started on what we're supposed to do about bad guys. You pretty much have to be bleeding from a mortal flesh wound before you can take your weapon off safe. I could go on for about 15 pages on all the crap the Army dishes out to you, and there are still people who are trying to convince me to stay because of how good of a career move it is. I don't get it....

Moving on to good news. I had my very first cook out today. Yes, my friends, I had a bona fide barbecue party with my roommate and a couple other guys. I had two hot dogs and two non-alcoholic beers. I was in heaven. As we were standing around, I couldn't help but start talking about my thoughts on the power of relative happiness. I seriously had a great time. If you could be a fly on the wall during that ordeal, though, you would probably just laugh. The first thing that stuck out was the fact that the grill is about the size of our night stand. I don't know where you can purchase grills this small, but someone did. You have to sit on a chair and bend over all the way at the waist to cook on it, but I didn't care. The hot dogs were some sort of Hajji product called Mahammu Maku Shakem or whatever crazy name that Arabic writing really said, but I didn't care. The beer was St. Pauli's Girl N.A. (which, incidentally is by far the best non-alcoholic I've had next to Kaliber by St. James Brewery) which is nowhere near a beer I'd actually prefer in the States, but I didn't care. There was so much dust flying around in the air that we were eating just as much dirt as we were hot dog, but...you guessed it...I didn't really care. I honestly, for just a few minutes, felt like I was back at home. I wasn't worried about where my weapon was in case I needed it. I wasn't thinking about the crazy Hajji goober that almost shot me and my battle buddy Brand only 7 hours ago. I wasn't worried about the nerve damage that I've gotten from wearing the heavy battle load we have to carry around. I just felt happy. The best way to describe it is like walking around all day wearing three heavy weights on your back. At the end of the day, you take two off, and you feel as happy as can be. You're oblivious, at least for a moment, that you're still loaded down with a sizable burden.

I'm not gonna lie, this place sucks. It'll be hard to forget how awesome the US is after this little trip, so that's always a silver lining. Thanks everyone back home for staying in touch. It's nice to be reminded of what's waiting back at home.

Father's Day package!

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 03:41:38 GMT

I got a package in the mail today from my wife! She's so awesome. She sent me a present full of presents. I didn't get a chance to take pictures of everything, but here's a basic rundown of what happened.

I spent a long night sitting in the ASV waiting to blow someone's head off. Upon never getting the chance, I got off shift and headed to my sleeping area. Lo and behold, I had a big brown box with MY name on it.

"What's this?" I say aloud and begin opening the box. Once I found out it was my Father's Day box, I promptly stopped rummaging through it and took a picture, re-enacting my initial response.

I tore up neatly-wrapped blue packages unceremoniously. One of the first things was this SWEET shirt of my son as a gamer! YES!

YES! That's my little man playing a video game! He's a freaking prodigy! The next thing I notice is a baby sleeper that shows how big Elijah is getting. Check it out.

Ooooh, that's a big baby, I thought to myself. He's getting to be as big as his Daddy...or is he? Well, I'll settle this right now, I thought.

Guess not, suckah! After trying it on, I realized he's still got some growing to do. There were a few more things in there like a card from my wife and even a card from my son! Nothing I took a picture of, though, until....what the holy monkey crap is this? A tie! Naturally, I put it on.

How suave! Then I realized something...what the crap is a tie doing in my package?!

Note my confusion. Moving right along, I find an ancient and sacred Beene tradition in opening presents. The bow-on-the-head tradition. Good thinking, Amy!

How happy I was. Second to last were some covers and a pillow case from home! Check out how smooth my place looks. (She also sent some chewy chips ahoy and peanut butter M&Ms, which are pictured here)

Now a picture of my area from the outside:

And a picture of the pictures Amy sent. I have them proudly displayed above my wall-locker fortress.

Here's a picture to prove that no one is as cool as me in my section of the warehouse. Where are all of your pictures, you unloved scumbags?! Guess you don't have any. Bangarang, Peter!

There is a tragic end to this happy tail, though. I was on my way to call my wife when I was notified that we had a ceremony we had to go to. "What the P?" I thought to myself. I wasn't able to call Amy and tell her thank you for all the stuff! I went to the ceremony and came back, but guess what? It was our combat patch ceremony, so I'm a certified combat veteran now. Check out the patch, suckas!

BLAM! Alright, I'm out of here. I've got some stuff I still need to do, unfortunately. I miss everyone back home, and I can't wait to get back. I'll try to post a few more things when I get a chance. Later!

Iraq? Brilliant!

Sat, 31 May 2008 05:53:57 GMT

First, I'd like to say sorry that it's been so long that I updated. I've been getting adjusted to this night shift, and I've been moving everything I own countless times. Anyway, greetings from beautiful Taji, Iraq. This wonderful place is a huge trash dump, completely dirty, virtually free of mortars, and the home of the whattaburger. That last part is a lie, but the rest is true. Good news? We basically don't get hit by incoming artillery or rockets very much at all, which is a huge plus. Waking up to screaming women is not something I want to relive for a good couple months if that's up for a vote. The chow isn't quite as plentiful, but it tastes better. The living quarters are a step up, although I'm still in temporary housing. Bad news? My sleeping quarters is about eight light years from anything worth doing. To get to the PX or, well, anything whatsoever except for camel spiders and scorpions, you have to get on two buses. Why two buses you ask me? Because the Army hates redundancy and doing things over again.

I'm currently on tower duty during the graveyard shift here. I work from 2015 to 0600 or so. It's got its ups and downs, really. It's relatively safe considering the ground we're overlooking, as opposed to the other side of base that's overlooking a red-hot terrorist village. Also, you have huge weapons up in the tower with you so you get a little feel of being a BA. The sucky part is that it's horrifically boring staring out of a window for over eight hours at night. In Taji, night time is pretty much incident free, so there's absolutely nothing to see.

So far, I've pretty much just been waking up, going to work, working out, eating, sleeping. Rinse. Repeat. Now, though, we've got a full company, so we've started getting days off! I got my first day off today, so I'm extremely excited. I've been able to do a lot of leisure activities I've been wanting to do. I even got a chance to get sunburned at the pool we have here. Yes...a pool. It's freaking outstanding. Apparently, it's impossible for the Air Force to build a base without setting up a swimming pool. All the fun I poke at the Chair--err--Air Force is still completely founded, but I'm reaping their benefits and loving it. All-in-all, things aren't looking too shabby for this deployment. I see very little action except for friendly fire from .50cals zinging by my tower, and there are comforts here that I really didn't expect to see in Iraq. Lastly, I'm supposed to be getting my Sergeant rank soon, and I'm supposed to be flying UAVs at least a couple times here to be sure that I get my flight hours. Other than the fact that I miss home, I can't complain too much. Time for pictures...

A very horrible picture of a palace we were driving by a while back. Sorry...it's the best I've got. Next are some pictures of my living area that I set up. I'll try to take better pictures for next time, but we'll see.

Here's the bunk bed right next to me that I cordoned off.

Here's my "night stand" complete with my Firefly series, South Park series, ear plugs, George R.R. Martin book, and Scientific American Mind magazine.

A picture of me in my area just before a mission...Check out that game face. >:-|

That's my sweet Alienware computer on my bunk. That thing is the greatest thing to happen to face-melting graphics since Chuck Norris starred in Bad Dudes. Oh, and that mattress? Satan's gift to this earth. I think it could get more uncomfortable, but it would involve a strand of barbed wire and a lighter. The entire middle section of that mattress decided to go AWOL, apparently, because when you sit on it, it venus-flytrap's your arse. Forget sleeping, you spend your entire night fighting for life against Posturepedic's evil bastard son. Turning over? Not gonna happen unless you can cut your way towards the light with a machete while simultaneously struggling for air. Seriously...springs must've been invented in an age long before this thing was crafted b/c it has a complete lack of them. It's like somebody laughed evilly to themselves while they cut out only the springs in the middle just as a present to me. I checked the tag just now on this thing...yep...manufactured specifically for me by Al-freaking-Qaida. True story.

Alright, enough of that. I'm out of here. Love you guys! If you get bored and have spare cash and want to send anything, Amy has my address! Later!